Not Ready To Leave, Get Ready To Lead

loveyou

Warning: This post is about domestic violence in the home and in relationships. Based on true events.

My life is not all ordinary, but I know that if I had the strength to accept the fact that I deserve Love sooner, how extraordinary my life would be now, yet I am so grateful that this was discovered later than never.

Now an interesting thing about this story is that I have been the victim, the guilty, and the witness. And I will humbly break that down for those who need to hear this starting within the timeline of how all of this came to be.

THE WITNESS: I was a little girl when I saw my mother being abused and devalued as a human being, stripping her of her strength and leaving her vulnerable to the delusional lies that she needed the man that had done this to her. What this does to a person is very similar to slavery, I assume. The recklessness of oppressing a person so badly that they will believe what you say, do as they are told without thought, without feeling. Fear has a whole new meaning, instead of feeling it you are living it. It makes you believe that you are nothing without them if you leave. They would kill you if you left, your life would be hell if you’d gone, and that there would be no mercy if they ever found you. Life and absolute life is the strength to leave. Axe the relationship. And admit that they are wrong and you would be wrong if you stayed.

THE GUILTY: You would have thought that maybe I had learned my lesson by seeing what II witnessed at a young age, but you couldn’t have been more wrong. This is called a vicious cycle. Damaged people damage people, and the worst part about that is I knew better I just couldn’t do better. I did awful things for no good reason other than I was angry with my life and I thought that hitting those that I was in a relationship with would take that anger away from me. I was very wrong. In fact all that did was fuel the evil that was in me. If any of you are reading this, I am so so sorry and I still am so deeply sorry for becoming a person I promised myself I would never become. But still I had to take responsibility for my actions and heal the hurt in myself and in others. I never did forgive my stepfather even while I was in his very shoes, but now that I know and healed the twisted path of my suffering, as fucked up as may be to say, it is not his fault. It is in our nature when we are so very damaged.

THE VICTIM: Being on the other side of the spectrum was definitely not any better. Your habits shift to make your world into his as if he is the center of the universe. Fortunately he is not. Though, you spoil a person, and they become rotten. With that said, it takes two to create this failed chemistry reaction. Now as hard as it is to accept that, it is something that needs to be addressed in order to move on, and til then, we will unfortunately remain trapped. You start to answer your phone quicker not out of excitement but out of fear. You start to distance yourself from friends not out of bettering yourself but from bettering the lies that you tell yourself that your friends try to pry you from. You forget so often about what’s best for you that you start to lose your voice, your thoughts, and your dreams. Instead of supporting you, that person steals from you your very soul right from under your nose and you can feel it you just don’t want to accept it to feel the hurt that, that reality will bring. This is the life of a victim, denial and weakness. And until they can gain the strength that was battered out of them and find the will to accept reality then they will be in a vicious cycle of their own. They deserve so much better than that.

In conclusion, Love really is the Answer. The fucked up part is, as a society, we really don’t know how to love anymore. We wouldn’t even know where to start. So Start with YOU. Loving yourself is the greatest pathway to Living. Address all those pains and wounds and HEAL THEM, GIVE YOURSELF WHATever it is that YOU NEED, and THINK hard on it, but most of all, know that YOU DO DESERVE LOVE every moment of every day of your life til you reach Happiness.

XO,

Cortney

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