Where have you been, Cortney? Gee hell maybe, but let’s not say that we could say o just around, or just staying with my neglective alcoholic mother and abusive, even more her alcoholic husband all this time but you know you’re not strong enough to handle it and I wasn’t strong enough to give it to you. So I’ll say I’m fine and go back reading and pretending I’m not here. No one really knows me. And I don’t blame them, but thing is when you live in a town full of weak minded people they like to fill in the gaps with made up stories some of them detrimental to their livlihoods, because what’s the consquences of believing in a lie these days? Stupidity? Here’s apart of my story & you wondered why I was so quiet.
I won’t go into the gritty details because not even I could handle it but if you’ve ever been abused, abandoned, neglected, & heart broken you’ll find it rather easy to deny a lot of your realites. Life is scary sometimes. Because sometimes your own parents will have no trouble tossing you to the side Sometimes it’s heartbreaking when you look up to those that you thought you could find comfort in but find out they wouldn’t know the first thing to fix it. It’s fucked up, but one of the first things that you’ll learn when you’ve finally reached that resting place is that anyone can betray you. We can call them family, friends, and a trusted steed but once you see in their eyes a certain depth of hell, you can’t deny that they cannot be trusted, or else you’re running around in circles with them. As a survivor of abuse especially as a child you’ll learn how to be an asshole. it’ll come naturally.You’ll be an asshole but you’ll be real blunt so blunt you know it’ll hurt someone but your filters so burnt out you have scarce sympathy for anyone. Growing up you observe more than converse more since no one could be trusted. Everyday feels like a warzone and church felt a lot like hell. Telling you God is in Control!! He loves you! Man o man. I’m sure he is if he were the devil. I wouldn’t donate a dime if I only knew how much bullshit and dollars spent on themselves I could have saved for my own broken ass. Prayer was very real to me though. At least the bit of silence and peace from the world, and to just imagine that you’re in a much more brilliant place than this. You’ll learn the benefits of paryer and meditation and on top of that medication. Sleep paralyzisis will set in because the stress disorder has now taken it’s course. Then the weird dreams and nightmares break down your barriers that you start doubting what it takes to live in a good reality.
You’ll learn the worst kinds of people are the ones with a religion and also a mental health condition. They will take anything and twist it because they can’t comprehend wisdom in it’s full armor. I unfortunately suffered with these people. Could you imagine a dehydrated child just wanting a drink of water but instead they give me sand? This is what being a religious cult family classic felt like. You’ll learn in east Jesus nowhere, ignorance in it’s most glorious and favored religion, Christianity. Don’t get me wrong now Yeshua seemed like a great guy but holy fuck has that book got it all wrong. You can’t tell me that because I like the pagan and taoist beliefs that I can’t go to heaven because I’m not a ignorant Christian like you who doesn’t believe in the truth, light, or way. Why? Because it’s a great fat lie, and in all great big fat lies you lose hope and faith in yourself. Because what if your own belief system was a mere reflection of your state of mind. You attack my good working beliefs with your horrible and only sometimes working beliefs then we have a problem, don’t we. As an already abused child of course I’ll believe them. They gave me food and shelter for the time being, they were for a while my get-a-way from even more suffering it seemed. Til I was 14. By this time my temper tantrums got more active in a way. I started standing up for myself & I suppose that scared them into thinking that maybe returning her to her abusive mother and stepfather will help do the trick and as the ignorant Christian would say, even God throws the broken to the wolves.
So like I said not to get into the gritty details but I was being emotionally and physically beaten that I developed scar tissue and mental damages from my world of chaos. But not all is lost, although it took what seemed a whole nother life ago, I got the mental help from not Ignorant Christians, no of course not, but of scientists/atheist/TOAIST/agnostic/hindi beliefs to help me rationalize my truth and heal my wounds. The start of my journey to LIVING.
So all in all the greatest lesson that I learned is that no matter how broken, battered, vile, disgusting that you are everyone deserves love, in life or afterlife. For those in hell and those on earth we all deserve love. The second greatest was learning what love truly was.