Once upon a time, there was a belief that almost took over the world. You would think now, why would anyone believe, say, and do such horrible and ignorant things? Well, a lost land needs to believe in something and sometimes it’s in the wrong ones.
Her name was Bella. She was just reading the good word, God’s word and did what it told her to do in the Bible. She grew up being taught how abortions and being gay were wrong and how if you weren’t a Christian you’ll be damned forever and ever. She went to school like any other day bringing her bible with her and humming her Christian tunes. She would casually insert herself into any conversation to “correct” them, even adding please believe in my Christ, I’m afraid you’ll go to hell. With the most frightened ones in the audience accepting her offer afraid of her God maiming them.
College years was an interesting affliction, with more intelligent minds she didn’t have much of an audience anymore. A conversation she overhead from Clara her classmate mentioned how she had an abortion, and how she didn’t have the funds or the father for the baby. Bella found herself in the face of this poor girl telling her how you’re a baby killer. How that baby didn’t deserve to die. And that her Jesus will damn you to hell for killing such an innocent soul. Now Clara being the spit fire that she was didn’t appreciate Bella butting into her private conversation. Spitting a ” FUCK OFF” at a stunned Christian. What about me, and my life?! What about my child that would have to grow up without a father, or a grandmother and grandfather, that child would suffer from abandonment and I can’t trust that the system will take my child and care for it when there are already thousands that don’t have care or homes right now! Fuck off, you Christian Fuck!!! Welcome to fucking reality you fucking pig! Bella was in shock. Not knowing how abandonment feels like, since her obvious lack of empathy, she tried looking into her book for help as she saw a very upset Clara storm off with her friend glaring at a disabled religious young woman.
Nothing, o wait here it is, nope. O well, my church said it’s a sin, she thought as a lesbian couple skipped down the hall full of laughter. Ugh sinners she thought. They’re going to go to hell if I don’t say something. I have to, I care for them, I know God is on my side, she said as a numb tinge in her heart told her to stop again. Hey! Can I tell you about my Jesus. Um no, they replied laughing just about to walk away and leave until she grabbed one of them on her shirt sleeve and said in a begging voice please you’ll go to hell if you don’t change your ways. A tatooed hand smacked her across the face. How dare you, talk to my girl like that! This is why everyone hates your religion, you shameless bitch. Come on doll, let’s go. Are you okay? As the couple walked down the hall hating Christianity even more. They will smite you, they will hate you for speaking the word she memorized her congregation say whenever she loses doubt in her faith.
A year later she found herself in front of a Planned Parenthood intentionally shaming women who wanted to go get an abortion. You’re killing babies, you’ll regret it, it said. A 16 year old girl makes her way to the entrance as one of the mobsters spits a baby killer! in her ear. Almost in tears she runs in with her mother and approaches the woman at the front counter. My name is Elizabeth, I called in to make an appointment about maybe a yeast infection, she says swallowing back her angry emotions. Looking up at her mother she asks, why did those people call me a baby killer? Emphasizing those. Not at you baby, they thought you were here to get an abortion the woman muttered silently. But I’m not, what’s their problem? She smiled and said, they don’t know how to live. Yea well I saw their church van, makes me want to go there just to burn it down. Hush sweetheart she said half grinning, we’ll see where they end up, don’t worry.
Bella worked at a grocery store in the middle of town. She noticed a man sitting on the side of the street. Tsking him she thought he’s there because he doesn’t know my Jesus. She dropped a quarter in his cup and mentioned, can I tell you about my Jesus? Thank you, errr thanks but I’m alright, he gave a bleak smile. But you need to know about Him so that he can save you from homelessness. He was a combat solider back in Desert Storm. He was a country boy just wanting to take care of his girl, never realizing how bad his stress disorders affected him turning to alcohol and losing his wife to abuse. I didn’t mean it, he often told her. The alcohol took over, as she wiped the blood from her nose, twitching at his apology. This is the last time!!! I want a DIVORCE!!!…. ivorce…. vorce… echoing in his mind. A pain staking memory that often calls for a drink. Mr… Sir? Did you hear me? Haven’t you had enough of this? Don’t you want to at least be in paradise when you die? She muttered to him as a couple of passerbys looked grimly at her. Thank you miss but I’ve had my share in hell, and my share with the Lord, and yet I’m still here. So thank you again, but I find no redemption in your Jesus. She looked stunned but was still determined to help him. Please sir God loves you, he wants you to be happy and to live in joy and harmony. If God loved me so much then why am I here?? He said intently, frustrated but curious of what else she had to say. You just have to ask and believe in Him. I DID BELIEVE IN HIM! ANY GOOD GOD OUT THERE WOULD NEVER HAD TO BE ASKED, HE WOULD HAVE JUST DONE IT!!!!! He screamed so loudly his throat hurt and the birds scattered from the echo under the bridge. She ran off thinking demons might have gotten him, and it’s too late for him to reach heaven now.
Running back into the store she tripped on the Jesus statue of him dying on the cross, something the store managers refused to remove regardless of the complaints of costumers. Her forehead made impact with a metal beam instantly breaking her neck and ending her short ungodly life.
Hellooo… hellooo. Where am I ??! God! Jesus! Somebody!!! “Hey what’s up?” *Gasp* …You’re not Jesus are you? “No.” He quickly said as if he hated the name, casually placing his dripping tar hand on the side of his cheek, “but I can be,” he mentions confidently with a wicked grin. He swirls his fingers in the black puddle in front of him, waiting for her to reply. She had a sudden frightened feeling that she must have died and for some reason in this place. Jesus, my lord, savior, please help me!! I’m a christian, I’m a Christian, I’m A CHRISTIAN!!!! Panting and galloping around the room, she looked around the grey atmosphere with a tiny light peering at her from above, while wanna be Jesus stuck to his corner. Yawning he says, “how long are you gonna keep that up for? If it didn’t work in your life before, then what makes you think it’ll work in this one?” What, what?!! No, no, no, no. I know my Jesus, he would not forsake me. “Pish posh darling you must have done something wrong if you ended up here.” What? “What do you mean what? You’re telling me in that teeny tiny brain of yours, or now worm food, you’ve never once thought that maybe just maybe it’s really the good people that belong in heaven?” I AM A GOOD PERSON! I’m a christian! That’s who christians are! We are God’s People! My pastor said so! “O alright then”, he said nonchalantly “then what are you doing here? Did God make a mistake sweetheart or maybe you’re wrong and made a few wrong moves” he said walking his fingers as he talked. She was tired of talking to this imp. Just shut up! I belong in Heaven and you, YOU deserve to be here… “oooo” he slyly laughed “how very Christian of you.”
A few months later still stuck in the gray airy shaft with Rupert as he calls himself, she is still there. I don’t get it, I thought I did everything right. I followed the good book, she said with a sick twinge in her … stomach. Was I wrong? She thinks as glitter falls from the air above the light. I was wrong she said again. What? Rupert slid himself over just to try to catch the glitter on his tongue “mmm… sweet redemption” he said, smiling at her humility. With months to think about why she’s still here, with no one but Rupert to guide her, she felt more like herself, something she hadn’t felt in a very long time. So Rubert, she finally asked, why are you here? “For you,” he replied. What do you mean? “You’ll see..”
A couple days later, she thought about that warm feeling that fell from the air after she admitted to her faults. So I’m wrong, so okay. I was wrong, as she remembered the pain she felt, wanting to forget it ever happened. What am I going to do about it now, though? I’m dead. I can’t take it back, I can’t fix it. I’m doomed forever. Rupert of course over hearing her conversations with herself, laughed a deep laugh throwing her off guard, slightly. What are you laughing at? “You are so dumb.” Excuse me?? She finds herself sounding a lot like her mother. “You know, you’re lucky that I’m here, there are a lot of souls that took them years to get out. Without me, it might have taken you a whole century.” Fuckin prick. “HAAHAAAHAAAHAA!” he roared again even louder. Now he can’t stop laughing. Wait, what did you say… there’s a way out? “Yea! You really thought the Good Forces were that mindless & delicate? Eventually they’ll come around. I mean sure sometimes you’ll fail but you know, we’re all just souls here, we can only help so many.” So you’re my helper? “Yea.” Why do you look like that? “I like to blend in,” he shrugged. So what do I do? “You build up your strength of course.” How do I do that?
I am so so so so so sorry, she said feeling silent & empathy as she felt a geniune connection to the people she betrayed. She cringed at the sight of herself. She saw a golden thread revitalize to reconnect her back to Earth. O… I see. She then went through all her memories and saw where she was wrong but also the rare times she was right. Visiting those that resented her through her spirit to make things right. Glitter falls as it piles onto the ground, shaking the shaft up back on the world’s level. Until they got up to see the world through a spirit’s eyes. I’m almost there, we’re almost here!! “Good, good! You’ve got one more.” But that’s all. I can’t find any one or thing that I’ve hurt. That’s it. “Sweetheart. The last and most precious lesson.” Rupert now looking a lot like her now, took out his hand and through the tar she saw her reflection staring back at herself. Gasping at the vague resemblence of her prior self, following the tear down as it reflects the light. Me, she said lowly. Suddenly struck by memories of herself swallowing down her own thoughts and words through all the lies her sunday school studies taught her and through witnessing to people, how she forgot to be a witness to herself. She saw that part of herself saying no. Stop it. You’re hurting yourself, as she snipped and lost the connection to people she harmed. The peace that was within herself, if only she loved herself. Reconizing that one verse she read once that she’d forgotten long ago, “The kingdom of Heaven is within you.” She felt the bright light warm her, glowing in the outside realm.