For My Sisters

sis

People often times don’t realize how important children are until they’re on their own. When playing turns into work and arguments turn into ended relationships. But the funny part about being a sister is that we can do nothing about it. I’ve never been so ignorant enough to tell my sisters that they weren’t my sisters, but I might have been evil enough to say that they were more worse than the devil herself. I guess sometimes you have to be the bigger person and just say what’s on your heart to say, I am your fucking sister whether you like it or not. We have the same blood type in us that can make us comparable. No amount of religion can seperate us, no more toxic christian antics can seperate us, whether you are strong enough to know the truth, or be stuck in your hell hole believing the old lies that you can’t see me right in front of you. I am your sister, godfuckingdamnit. No more fake smiles or fake “good” personalities. We are living in the world right now, and those “safe” bubbles that we wrapped ourselves with have an expiration date. If you can’t understand what shaped me to be the person that I am today, then you ignore your own story of who you are. We believed too long in the ugly things those christians have said about us that we’ve lost touch with our own sisterhood. Telling you that I chose to live with our abusive mother and even worse abusive step father. I chose that?! When they forced me to a home called hell and so what I really chose to do was to runaway. If the adults in our lives can’t be responsible enough to place me into a home that really cared about me, then it’s got to be somebody, then had to be me. I don’t blame you though. We were all just children trying to believe in whatever it took to keep us out of our harsh reality. I don’t blame the ugliness in those christians that seperated the only family that I ever knew, an idiot can’t help but to be an idiot. But you couldn’t hear that, you can’t see that because my reality was too dark to see past the pain of my actions. If I hurt you from what I did, then know that with my transparency of showing you who I was, that was the pain that I was in, then thank you for feeling me. Just know that through all those things I tried very hard, maybe even too hard to be “good.” All those things that you heard about me, I just hope you had wise ears to kill their christian sickness. They believed in ancient rumors so of course they’ll believe in anything. Just know it could have been much worse if I didn’t try so hard. I understand that of course I wasn’t good enough. But also understand that because of my false attempts of putting the focus on the wrong things such as religion, prayer, and masking my face that I could have healed earlier and been a better person. I am 26 years old. What do I have to lie about? If you can’t accept the truth then that is something you have to work on. But I am over it to tell you to listen. I was alone. You blamed me, you told me that I deserved it. You were a toxic child just looking for a way to remove the black tar from your chest not realizing that you created more of it. I hated you with a passion because of it. Ignoring the hell that I went through, just to stay in your sweet bubble. I am your sister, could you not feel me through all those years? I was abused and battered and told by my own sisters that I deserved to be there, was told by those christians that they loved me while forcing me into a hell hole and not saving me from it. Could you imagine how a girl at 14 years old could have felt? Confused, betrayed, and so very very angry. Can you imagine why I don’t like going into a church? Why I would hate christianity as a whole and specifically why I could never have a relationship with the Corkers? I am your sister and to deny that you deny apart of you that you can never replace. My life will affect people just for existing, so don’t tell me that I don’t matter. I mattered just as much as you. I have a story not a sentence. I am a LIFE, not a sinner. I might have hated you harder than I have ever loved you. We were broken children, and I can’t blame us for that. Although I forgave you, there is so much that we have to take care of. We don’t have a foundation with each other yet, as much as we wanted one and we can’t make one if we constantly tear each other down blaming each other. I will be the first to let you know, it was never your fault. The cards we were dealt with that was not our fault. Being the older sister my actions were not on you Justina. Having a better life than us Jamie that is not your fault, you keep striving to have a good one. And finally, quit fucking blaming me. I am just as human as you and it doesn’t take a genius to figure out that if you only knew what walking in my shoes would had lead me, you’ll know exactly why I did the things that I did, so don’t blame me. I was not strong, I was very broken because I struggled to be. But I will try my hardest to be there for you, because I know how it feels to be abandoned. I won’t be perfect and there are times that I will give up. But I will try to be there when you need me the most.

Cort

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