Any well minded person who has sex with another knows the common decency of considering their partner’s decisions. But with an obvious lack in frontal cortex health you can find that many things will go wrong in our world. One of them is rape. It’s very common to find it during wartime and even after. Why? I’m not sure. But my theory is in the gland to mind dysfunction. War, whether that be in the conventional way or in our own minds it can be a drain on life. The stress response system calls on the adrenal glands to give us that extra boost for survival. But when you’re dipping in and out from barely floating to drowning, there might come a time when you succumb to a place beyond death into a suffering cage waiting for someone to either save you or kill you before it’s too late and an unfortunate event turns your mind that was once good into a natural evil. And this is where we can start with my journey along with the millions of victims whose only misfortune was their lack of good judgement and defense mechanisms. You define it with words but nothing can describe the feeling that comes with rape. It takes your life away. It steals your innocence. It can happen at the moment a sick mind finds an opportunity. To force someone to have sex with you. It’s happened to the thousands of child brides and even myself. Sexual assault does not end when the person stops. It rarely ends. The victims are left emotionally and physically scarred. The day(s) it happened is a day we likely won’t forget. Whether they say it’s “tradition” or it’s okay because she won’t remember it in the morning. When you force yourself onto someone when you know they do not want to have sex with you then it is rape. I’ve rarely told this story but I feel that I might help someone by sharing it. Before I was raped I was sexually assaulted by a man I thought I trusted. My stepfather. I thought he was the “better” father since he was a christian and because he took care of us when our own father didn’t. Now you may think to yourself, but not all Christians are like that but you miss the point of almost all of them have the same protocol when it comes to disaster. They barely have one and are not realistic when it comes to solving actual problems. This man is a man I knew since I was 3. I was sexually abused when I was 12 and it took him 10 years to admit to fault but he never fixed it. And so I suffered with it for many many years. The numbness it’s hard to know how you feel about it. Now I can tell you since I was the one who healed me as much as I could and what I can tell you is it’s heartbreaking. It feels like that part of me has no importance, privacy, and that it can be taken from anyone.
The man who raped me was a man I grew up with. He was a “high school sweetheart” as they say. We dated off and on for 4 years. By this time we had ended things but since we shared the rent we had to live in the same household. He took the couch while I took the bed. We had thrown a party and the guests were welcomed to the extra bed in the living quarters and the couch. While my ex went to bed early and slept where I’ve been sleeping. By the time it was time to sleep I slunk into the other side of the bed opposite to him. Also by this time it had been months since we slept together and I had intended on keeping it that way. I woke up out of a dead sleep with him inside of me. I pushed him out of me and noticed shock and a silent sorry before going back to sleep. The next morning I couldn’t look at him in the face. He had already repulsed me but now he is off the charts. I should have reported him but I wanted revenge. I healed while I tore him apart. They say to deserve is to get what you need, and so I served it on a cold heartless platter. This is my hope for the future, that at least the many victims who have experienced rape who didn’t report it for the same reasons that I didn’t. To do what you need to do.
PS He’s still alive but I’m not opposed to a righteous killing either.