At the age of 16, I started to discover my angry side. From being an angry child to an angry teenager there was not a lot of change only to know that anger can be an unending battle. Being back with my mother and her very abusive husband it was very hard to be a good child growing up. Lord knows that I tried. I made a decision that day between trying to be a good person and also trying to find a happy medium to lose my sufferings that I just wanted to be somewhere else. I didn’t want to be in a forsaken home any longer. It killed me so much to see my mother care more for an abusive man than her own daughter. I couldn’t take it any longer. Being at that age it was very hard for me to express myself and at the same time try to contain myself. One day like the many, she would find me laying in bed crying for days, only to barge into my room to yell at me for crying & telling me to take her pills. My mother was so very wicked. The day I was picking up the eggs in the chicken coop was the day that I would never forget. My little brother was only 2 years old & had enough height to grab an egg off of the counter, leading it to break onto the floor. As usual I took shit for it, so she started to yell at me for it. So then I went to my room and slammed the door shut. I was pissed. I always expected the worse from my mother. She was the type that you could guarantee that if it’s a senseless thing to do you could bet a million dollars she would do it. And that day she did. She came into my room with a 2 by 4 and beat me until I was black and blue & unconscious on the floor. From that day I resented her. From all the things she’s done, choosing a man, a horrible man over her daughters, abusing us, using us, not taking proper care of us, this was the cherry on top of the train wreck of my life. And after that I wasn’t the same. A few days later I started to notice insomnia, with mulitple brusies and bumps on the legs, arms, back, & head, I didn’t connect why I couldn’t feel the same, not knowing that the head trauma had something to do with the damage it was going to lead my mind. Being in a state of shock I didn’t correlate why. It was weeks after that I started to feel confused, distant from reality, and also intense migraine headaches started to emerge. From then on I had headaches for 9 years straight every day. Every single day was misery. From dealing with the false statements to her friends as to why I don’t go out, and to how I got those bruises and the usual the abusive scenes I watched as my step daddy treated my mother. Life was a blur, I didn’t feel like I was living any more, in fact I was dying. 2014 is year 9. Year 9 is the year I finally started to cope with the past of what happened to finally get past it and treat it for what it is. I still cry at times when I think of what happened. I still can’t talk about it without shedding tears & moaning my sorrows. I had a doctor finally check it out to realize I had scar tissue around my skull that limited my nervous system functions including, thinking, speech, and emotion. A state of shock leaving me with PTSD and chest pains and flash backs.
Just a year ago I finally talked to my mother about it. Never talking about it before so to not show my real weaknesses, but allow the truth to come out so that I can finally heal. Shedding the tears that I was meant to show my heavy cold heart was uplifted and warm again. Sometimes the truth hurts but to give it to the right people creates something that money cannot buy, healing.