What’s Love, Mama?

eggs

Growing up without parents is hard. It’s anger and displacement because without family who can you relate to? Who can tell you that you have the fire like your mother & the funny personality like your father. Being in a home where no one understands you is very lonesome. Plus having anger issues, health issues, mental issues, how can you cope? People say that mistakes can either make you or break you, & in this circumstance it did both. I was always active as a child & I’m thinking that might have burned a lot of my rage growing up. Always adventuring in the forest with our dog and sensing the magic of nature. It seemed my only friends were the ones that couldn’t talk but they could feel, I believe. I remember the days where I couldn’t cry because crying is for the weak, and she was right I was very weak and vulnerable. I was a child, scared and a lone, feeling so unloved. So I cried… alot. I couldn’t be angry, because being angry meant that something was wrong & she couldn’t handle that. And I couldn’t handle not, not being angry. Those were the only things I practically knew growing up, sadness & anger. But the thing was I couldn’t change that, I didn’t know how to. All I could do is just to get away just to feel a different emotion, a better emotion, something like happiness. Rage was my mother. Sadness was my mother. Anger was my mother. She didn’t want me to be just like her. I probably knew that deep inside there was a scared alone unloved child that created a woman to be like her. And I agreed I don’t want to be her. But that’s exactly who I became. Living in a world where love makes no sense, you try your hardest to stay away from it, or else confusion sets in, when you need your mind to be straight. Love, what was love? When all your life you’ve been betrayed but yet deep down inside you yearn for it. Life is for the living, but yet when you’re dying you’re blind, you cannot feel, stress is your nature, and dishonesty is how you communicate. I learned this not too long ago. The world is dying & not dying a natural death but an unlawful death. Being a child going through this mess, being painstakingly honest & self disciplined in health is the only thing that got me through. I had to listen my reality, when my urge was to run away from it, and I did, but I can’t do that anymore. I’m not a child anymore, I have to do something about this so I can be happy & grow in my life and be in the life around me. ¬†Damaged people damage people, no matter how old they are, they cannot help it. I forgive you Mama.

With Regards,

Cortney

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